had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
