i was born a porn star she said
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
