Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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