i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
