New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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