I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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