New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
