And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
