Texts From Last Night

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  (805): View more from California

  someone threw a dead crab at me

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  (805): someone threw a dead crab at me http://tfl.nu/za5q
  Replies (4) Good night (949) Bad night (1287)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
  Replies (13) Good night (4618) Bad night (1293)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito

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  (313): then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito http://tfl.nu/szdu
  Replies (33) Good night (4941) Bad night (808)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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  (218): If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me http://tfl.nu/kwsp
  Replies (9) Good night (7669) Bad night (1393)
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  (585): View more from New York

  I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

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  (585): I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei? http://tfl.nu/dlk1
  Replies (22) Good night (3627) Bad night (1073)
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  (951): View more from California

  I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street

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  (951): I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street http://tfl.nu/tl0c
  Replies (7) Good night (1066) Bad night (2272)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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  (360): Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident? http://tfl.nu/46ya
  Replies (16) Good night (3334) Bad night (2164)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...

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  (217): he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon... http://tfl.nu/u7gi
  Replies (3) Good night (1592) Bad night (822)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

  (785): View more from Kansas

  When were you at my house?

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  (913): I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home. (785): When were you at my house? http://tfl.nu/k6cm
  Replies (5) Good night (3048) Bad night (917)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  Yupp. And someone's bleeding

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  (262): And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right? (1-262): Yupp. And someone's bleeding http://tfl.nu/ez4o
  Replies (1) Good night (1230) Bad night (482)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."

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  (773): I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye." http://tfl.nu/jcze
  Replies (2) Good night (789) Bad night (666)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.

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  (603): We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma. http://tfl.nu/dz4i
  Replies (3) Good night (1361) Bad night (441)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.

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  (479): Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals. http://tfl.nu/0t02
  Replies (2) Good night (642) Bad night (318)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.

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  (937): It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick. http://tfl.nu/017k
  Replies (3) Good night (581) Bad night (528)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.

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  (801): Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey. http://tfl.nu/71bj
  Replies (2) Good night (730) Bad night (331)

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