allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
