Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
