The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
