Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
