Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
