all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
