Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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