I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
