So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
