The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
