I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am one with the molecules
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
