I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize