turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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