no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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