I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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