I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
