saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
