I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
