so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
