I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
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Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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