just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
