I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
