I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Randomize
