3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
