If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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