is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
