I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
