U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
