i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
