I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
