Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
