I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
