Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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