believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
