I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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