dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
