You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
