I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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