yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
