my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
