My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
