do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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