If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
