The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
