So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
