two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
