he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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