apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
