Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
