When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
