It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
